Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Inside the Third fold of the mind of a suicider


I cant attempt suicide but i know that i am dead already.... i cant attempt suicide...To be very honest, i am scared...having to die going through all that pain and having to know that i am going to die..the thought is...i dont know how to explain......

I cant smile....I am not happy... I cant see my future...not everybody does but i cant see where i am going....i don't know what i achieved in the past....i dont know why i am living....

what it is it the present that i have? nothing.... i have given up....given it all up for people who don't even see what i am....who i am....

how would it feel when an electric saw cut through the trunk of a fully grown tree? i know how how it feels...i am the tree....what if there was something in the middle and the saw wouldn't  move forward but just kept cutting through and through on the same wound? i know how that feels as well...... i am being cut into pieces, dissected without mercy by regret......regret that i did not make the right choices...regret that i just did not fight enough for what i wanted....for letting others drive my vehicle when i just sat there like an idiot...letting them...letting them take over....

There is a change that I dream of .... A change that can bring my life back to me but again i am shamelessly afraid to embrace it and fight for it as i fear uncertainty....as i fear opposition and accusations....
What if the change makes opportunity for Them to point fingers at me again? to laugh at me and my follies?
The change i need is embarrassing as it requires the courage to turn back and quit, to be able to admit that i cant...! that i give up! My ego is at unease...

I can see reality laughing at me.....Its ugly face mocking me....the gold covered tooth shining at me making me blind with despair....
I stand here alone at the edge of the cliff...there are so many down there who warned me not to come but they never understand why i have come up...why i am pushed to run and embrace the dark....
On the top of the mountain of miseries and doubts...Why Not Jump Down? Why not see nothing but darkness?
I fail again as i am not satisfied with life....I need more from it...I want to live...I want a life...I don't want to give up.....I am too young to die...
I haven't loved madly, haven't hated deeply and haven't worshiped unconditionally....

What do i do? All i see is darkness...All i hear is saddening melancholies and the voice of my inner self crying not to let go....I wish i could through some mud down the cliff and send along with it all my worries... I wish i could smooth en my fret lines.....

My legs are shivering....
My eyes tearing........
I look into the mirror and see red eyes accusing me of murder....
I look down at my hand and the blade in the other....
I bring it down to the point of slitting my nerves.....
My heart is heavy and bulging to come out....
But

I  fail Again....
I am a coward......
I cant die....
I want to live.....


 

hoping to find a reason,
Me

Friday, February 4, 2011

depression, vodka and chocolate....

 The weekend is over and i am returning to hell tomorrow. my husband is off to see his mom and i am depressed more than ever..... as i sit down with a bottle of vodka gulping down the fire , my life is flashing in front of my eyes...

i was a normal teenager living my life when the twist of fate occurred or rather the twist of stars (the bloody indian horoscope). i hail from a super orthodox south Indian upper middle class family and my parents have enjoyed controlling our lives (my sister's and mine) always. i hereby award them , the worlds best control freaks and never understanding parents.
Luckily, my sister found her match and got a life which was and is the biggest crime my parents see till date. (sigh) And as i was living my life, the astrologer said i had to get married before 21 or i would get married only after 36. Bingo! there starts the frenzy....they looked up a groom like shopping on ebay, the typical Indian arranged way and before i know i am engaged at the age of 19 and married at 20 to a 20 something Software engineer (the best career for a wonderful groom in India) with whom i cannot come to terms on anything...!!!

i am a graduate of business management and wanted to move into interior designing, here in again my darling parents paid a huge amount to a stupid Business school which i would call a business asylum and i joined the program like an idiot.

you may be wondering how they managed to do all this - "emotional black mailing". they are experts you know! now, i am stuck in a marriage i cant stand, i have a house to manage plus i have a professional degree i am taking which is highly stressful and of least interest....in short, "iam a mess!!"


And today, as all of this passes through my mind, i look back at my happy self...young, energetic and humorous and today....drunk, depressed, stressed out, over weight and grumpy most of the time....

tonight, the vodka keeps me sane and the nutella chocolate spread in my tummy makes me happy..
its smeared all over my face... and looking into the mirror, all i can think of is "CHOCOLATE MONSTER" staring sadly back at me from the mirror.....

good night void....

god knows whats up tomorrow