Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Inside the Third fold of the mind of a suicider


I cant attempt suicide but i know that i am dead already.... i cant attempt suicide...To be very honest, i am scared...having to die going through all that pain and having to know that i am going to die..the thought is...i dont know how to explain......

I cant smile....I am not happy... I cant see my future...not everybody does but i cant see where i am going....i don't know what i achieved in the past....i dont know why i am living....

what it is it the present that i have? nothing.... i have given up....given it all up for people who don't even see what i am....who i am....

how would it feel when an electric saw cut through the trunk of a fully grown tree? i know how how it feels...i am the tree....what if there was something in the middle and the saw wouldn't  move forward but just kept cutting through and through on the same wound? i know how that feels as well...... i am being cut into pieces, dissected without mercy by regret......regret that i did not make the right choices...regret that i just did not fight enough for what i wanted....for letting others drive my vehicle when i just sat there like an idiot...letting them...letting them take over....

There is a change that I dream of .... A change that can bring my life back to me but again i am shamelessly afraid to embrace it and fight for it as i fear uncertainty....as i fear opposition and accusations....
What if the change makes opportunity for Them to point fingers at me again? to laugh at me and my follies?
The change i need is embarrassing as it requires the courage to turn back and quit, to be able to admit that i cant...! that i give up! My ego is at unease...

I can see reality laughing at me.....Its ugly face mocking me....the gold covered tooth shining at me making me blind with despair....
I stand here alone at the edge of the cliff...there are so many down there who warned me not to come but they never understand why i have come up...why i am pushed to run and embrace the dark....
On the top of the mountain of miseries and doubts...Why Not Jump Down? Why not see nothing but darkness?
I fail again as i am not satisfied with life....I need more from it...I want to live...I want a life...I don't want to give up.....I am too young to die...
I haven't loved madly, haven't hated deeply and haven't worshiped unconditionally....

What do i do? All i see is darkness...All i hear is saddening melancholies and the voice of my inner self crying not to let go....I wish i could through some mud down the cliff and send along with it all my worries... I wish i could smooth en my fret lines.....

My legs are shivering....
My eyes tearing........
I look into the mirror and see red eyes accusing me of murder....
I look down at my hand and the blade in the other....
I bring it down to the point of slitting my nerves.....
My heart is heavy and bulging to come out....
But

I  fail Again....
I am a coward......
I cant die....
I want to live.....


 

hoping to find a reason,
Me

2 comments:

  1. If you take a decision, you stick by it. If you quit, you quit...if you don't, you hold on and fight! Death will never give you an answer...more pain...yes, embarassment, hell yes, regrets...more than a few bagful...but if you decide to handle life head on, you will rule over all of them....turn around the other side and look at the rising sun....it looks the most beautiful on the mountain top...

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  2. Hi...I handed over the Memetastic Award to you....it'd be great if you accept it...

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